Last week I got some bad news about Faith. She failed a test that is critically important when looking at the recovery of her disease. When the doctor from Cincinnati called to explain it to me, I felt like someone sucked all the air out of my lungs. This entire time we had been dealing with this, I had aways thought that someday Faith would be better, with the exception of a missing colon and some nasty scars. I thought we would live this terrible year and she would be on the mend. I had always maintained that my daughter would fully recover from this yuck and we would be back on track in a year or two. Suddenly, that doesn’t seems to be the case. This road trip seems to have just gotten longer.
I don’t have much to say to anyone. Everyone keeps asking how I am. In the last two years, I lost my dad to a very unexpected death, I got divorced, I lost my income source and my ability to support myself and my family. Thru all that loss…I had a lot to say. I could tell stories about my dad, I could complain about the divorce, and I could lecture everyone on how one minute you can have it all and the next wonder if you will lose your car or your house.
Now, its different. When people ask me how I am I have nothing to say, I avoid the conversations, I avoid everyone. Everyone one asks are you okay? I am not sure how to answer, then sometimes when you do, they say things like….well it could be worse or she will be fine. Someone once told me, I bet there are parents that would trade places with you, they’ve got it worse. It’s easier to avoid these conversations. Because when you are in a situation like this, when someone says the wrong thing…you remember.
I have a friend who sends me messages via twitter and he usually asks me the same thing…you staying strong?? It’s my favorite question, because I can say YES. Because thru all of this, it is the one thing I can be positive about, I am staying strong, on the outside anyway. I may burst into tears the minute I am alone, and I may lay awake at night worrying about how we will ever get thru this mess…but I am doing this. I wake-up every day. I take care of my daughter and my son. and I am a great mom, a great single mom. Just don’t ask me if I am okay. Because I’m not. If you want to ask how we are its simple…you staying strong? Yes, I am staying strong. Right now, that’s all I’ve got.