I can’t even tell you how long it has been. It was on the 27th of October, lots of years ago, the last time his hand was warm. I was holding it when he started to take his final breaths…..I knew it was happening. I had just told him where everyone was, and that Jamie was asleep on his shoulder. I told him I was there. I reminded him then, how strong I was. He was always so proud of that, a few minutes later he was gone. I kept touching his hand, it was never warm again.
My dad was a kind and giving man, and everyone that knew him would tell you that. He was also brave and strong, or at least it seemed that way. What I’ve come to realize over the last few years is sometimes those of us, like me and my dad who act so strong and brave and independent, are likely just as scared and burdened as those who show their emotions more feely. I like that I am like my dad, but I often in the past few years have had to remind myself that I don’t want to end up where he did, and I would have to figure a way to balance my brave and deal with my worry and stress at the same time.
Most of my brave started out when I was young, I loved hearing him tell people how tough I was. I felt that it made him proud and that was very important to me. I was his girl, in a family of eventually three children, my brothers having an obvious connection with him through working together, or just the fact that by the time my younger brother was growing up, my dad was getting older and softer, I often teased him. Regardless the natural father daughter bond wasn’t exactly easy for us……
Then we met at Murdock.
My Aunt and Uncle were selling some land and Will and Faiths dad and I met dad over there to see if it would work for the home we wanted to build. My dad was basically like, how can you go wrong, it was a beautiful piece of property and it was less than two miles from his home……Funny, I’m sure he had visions of watching his grandchildren grow up so close to him….obviously it was a sure thing in his mind.
What I never realized was how much it would change us. Now as a sports fan we always talked sports, trades, and all about the deer he didn’t shoot that day, but it seemed to be sort of entry level bond. I never really imagined we would be much closer, but Murdock changed all that.
8591 Murdock Drive……We spent eight months building my very own dream home. Dad and I worked on so much of it together. I would spend all day there, meeting with the contractors talking about the home and making sure we never failed any inspections. He was so proud of how efficiently I managed the construction of that home.
I remember staking the house out and dad saying to me, that’s the view out your front door, now that’s a beautiful view. I remember when he built the foundation he decided the garage wasn’t big enough that he went ahead and made it bigger. I remember him teasing me about the huge island in the kitchen was, where we often stood to eat pizza or bbq as we were working. He would often call me with a question and say, meet me at Murdock….it was an amazing eight months that changed us forever.
I remember we dug out the window wells together and I was amazed at how strong he was. I remember near the completion of the house coming in and announcing to him and my father in law that I was pregnant, with Faith ironically.
Everyday I would watch him pull into my driveway and we would talk about the day and what we had gotten done. He always stayed for at least a beer often two. It was the best thing that had ever happened to my dad and me. And I loved that house because of it.
Now, several years later, I have a new job, taking care of my sweet Faith. I really realized almost right away that I couldn’t afford to live in that beautiful home anymore, but I was convinced that I could make it work. I kind of always expected Faith to get better and me to go back to work……life had other plans.
You see, I think its possible, I could have found a way to continue living there. But finding a way, did one thing to me, it made me terribly stressed…..I remember thinking of the irony of the whole situation, and the logical me, said it was time…..honestly it was time way before I was actually able to say the words, its time to sell Murdock.
For maybe fours months before I made the decision I would wake up from a sound sleep in a panic and I would think I was at my childhood home. It was so scary to me. I even talked to a doctor about it, because I felt disoriented when I woke up and that had never happened to me before.
I hadn’t even considered moving to my moms house, my childhood home, until one day, I woke up and out loud asked my dad if that was the message he was sending me…..the ball started rolling that day and its hasn’t happened again.
The house is now for sale. And someone is going to get an absolutely wonderful place. It needs some new flooring, but honestly, I love that home, just as it is……
I am actually ready for it to sell. The amount of stress that will be lifted from my shoulders is exciting to me. I am ready to not have the stress that comes along with being a home owner. The kids love my childhood home, thankfully my dad built this one too and its really big….and it feels like home now.
It’s been a long time since we’ve met at Murdock. After he died I would say out loud to him when I was missing him, I’ll meet you at Murdock. I am grateful for the gift of building that home……I’m pretty sure he’s fine with changing our meeting place, but I will never forget meeting him at Murdock.